X-Men: The Last Stand sucked!

Khaled beat me to it (curse you!), but I’m going to throw my two cents in regardless.

I saw X-Men: The Last Stand (AKA: X-Men: A Desperate Grab at Quick Cash) the day after it was released. I was out of town at the time and unable to use my website (accursed 56k!). As soon as I returned home I attempted to write a scathing review.

According to the old man that Married Kip and Lafawnduh at the end of Napoleon Dynamite, you should take a long walk after getting in a fight with your wife… it’s supposed to cool you down. I applied this same logic to X-Men, thinking it really couldn’t have been all that bad.

Yet, only moments ago I got off the phone from an old friend of mine. The both of us grew up together watching X-Men the Animated Series and reading X-Men comics (good ol’ days of Jim Lee). He held my same general sentiments: one or two things were cool, but the over-all movie was pure crap. The wait didn’t work. I’m still mad at the movie and everyone involved with it’s “production”.

Brett Ratner (the director) should consider an early retirement. Throw Jackie Chan and Chris tucker in to the action and you would have had Rush Hour 3… it was that horrible.

Spoiler time

Professor X dead? Jean Grey evil and dead? Scott Summers barely in the movie and dead? What happened? Did the writers see a few episodes of Lost, 24 and Alias and decide to follow the same killing spree script pattern?
No! James Marsden didn’t want to be in this film or the upcoming films (or so I’m guessing), so he had himself killed off. Not a bad move really: screen death as opposed to career suicide.
And let’s face it, Patrick Stewart is getting old. When X-Men 4 hits the screen a 2 or 3 years from now, he’ll be 126 years old and bald. They needed to give him the axe and just use his voice inside of another body (Jame Earl Jones style) before it’s too late.
And Jean? Who knows and who cares?


If you’re going to do a redundant story, let’s at least make it a redundant comic book story, not the same crap we’ve already seen TWICE. How about Apocalypse? How about some real Sentinels, not just danger room replicas of the machines we haven’t even seen yet?! Enough subtle references to good story lines, let’s get to the fun stuff!

And please correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t all of the trailers imply there was going to be a huge mutant war of some sort? See a bunch of lame thug-ish characters get mowed down in droves and then a very contrived cliche battle between the big-boy mutants was far from a war. It was a skirmish of not-so-epic proportions.

By the way, wasn’t Angle supposed to be in this movie? I didn’t see him. I just saw some guy who looked like he had a mental disability and a pair of too-expensive-to-show-for-more-than-ten-minutes wings on his back. LAME. But that’s OK, because it turns out that watching a guy fly around like a giant pigeon is a lot cooler in comics and cartoons than it is in realistic looking movies. I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he flew in to a jet engine, or perhaps had the urge to defecate on a passing car.

In short the movie wasn’t a let down in the least because I didn’t go in to it with any good expectations. I knew it would be a waste of my time and money. I agree with nearly everything Khaled (mentioned at the beginning of this rant) said except for anything remotely positive.

I know some of you out there are thinking I’m being too harsh (Bill, I’m looking your way), but I say to you: wake up to reality people! Watch some good movies! Batman Begins was an excellent comic book movie. Superman looks like it will be good. The first Spiderman was good (although it strayed from the books significantly in some areas). However X-Men 3 was pure Hollywood machinery at it’s worst.

22 responses to “X-Men: The Last Stand sucked!”

  1. hehe, I liked that ” I agree with everything expect the good parts”.

    I guess in general I’m less harsh on a movie even when I know it’s a complete piece of shit, because of the time someone put into it :).

    Tell you what, I think for the Superman review we’ve got to make sure we review it jointly and then post the email conversation in two parts across both sites :).

  2. I guess that’s why I am so harsh on a movie like this: it felt like no time was spent on this sack of crap.

    I’m on board with the Superman thing. Maybe we should make a Skype podcast out of it. Hit me up on the boards or via email and we’ll get our plan together 🙂

  3. X3 met my expectations. Of course I had none. I knew the second that the director (Brian Singer) bailed on it that I should have too. But considering that the current x-men comic stinks, I guess a movie based on it would stink to. nuff said

  4. i agree x-3 was a waste Jean was a psyco slut killer Logan was an asshole iceman was a horny bastard, Rogue served no perpose at all i hope if there is an x-4 Bryan Singer and David Hayter return to fix Ratner Penn and Kinbergs fuck up, what happend to the growing relationship with Logan/Rogue that Bryan hinted in 1 and 2 it just got dropped damn x-3 sucks.

  5. x-3 is full of shit Bobby and Rogues scenes felt empty again why can,t Fox understand the Bobby Rogue thing never worked on screen, Anna Paquin and Hugh Jackman have worked so well on screen in all 3 films alot of my friends were pissed at x-3 for killing a good franchise Bryan Singer put so many hints in 1 and 2 that he was working up to something special with Logan/Rogue and Scott/Jean but when he left that is when evreything went to hell, i hope x-4 gets Bryan Singer back x-3 was a dissaster in so many ways.

  6. x-3…This was an interesting concept when I first saw it on the shelves, and after watrching it I thought that they killed too many people off too quickly, and the small charachters you did get to see were glorified cannon fodder. However after reading your article on the film I thought it a little harsh, I at first had the same views but was sobered up by the article. I also then stumbled on the scene after the credits, where Proff. X is still alive. Now that I think was probably the best scene in the entire film…if not a tiny bit confusing at how it happened. So i guess your thoughts on Mr Stewart being too old for the next film falls on deaf ears in the big scheme. All in all though, film was pretty poor, acting not that much better but the little twists at the end make you start to think.

  7. Actually I really like Patrick Stewart. I agree I was harsh on him, it was just a joke, but possibly in poor taste. As far the film goes, I don’t think I was harsh enough. X-Men (comics included) have taken a fast train to crapsville lately, which is very disappointing since I’m a long time X-Men fan.

  8. Professor X is already immobilized and ridden to a wheel chair…does his physical self matter all that much? I mean come on, I was under the impression his infinite wisdom was his true power.

    The movie felt really empty, like it was garnered toward a fresh minded naive audience with no previous rapport with the franchise.

    But twenty dollar words aside. The moment I knew this movie was shit was when Wolverine went searching for Jean and wound up in the forrest and was attacked by three lackeys (following the dude who shot metalic quils from his veins that was pretty decent) wielding baseball bats and a shotgun…I mean come on baseball bats and a shot gun??? This is a fucking movie about mutants…if that doesn’t symbolize the lack of creativity I don’t know what else does?

    Two other pet peeves with the projects from a personal stand point, the first being the non-existent gambit. The second, WHY THE FUCK WAS COLOSSUS NORTH AMERICAN? Why the hell did they decide to just totally bail on his russian descent? Fuck me man…

  9. DUDE i so agree!! thank you! all my friends are sucked into that Hollywood “slap an epic piece of crap together with really cool action and pretty colors bs”

  10. also, WOW!! wasn’t that cool When Colossus Fought Juggernaut. No!! BECAUSE IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!! and was that not the coolest thing ever when ice man went into his ice form for 3 SECONDS, NO, ITS WAS GAY!!!

  11. What pissed me IMMENSLEY was the fact that halley berry was allowed to throw a hissy fit with the new director and bassically demand a story re-write that made storm a more important character.

    Results: her with a ridiculous new hair style, a new costume includeing tin foil cape that looked like it litterally cost $10 to make and agonising extended scenes of her taking on Xaviers mantle/ shitty budget wire-work fighting.

    Also, its the cheapness and laziness of it all that really got to me, and the obvious lack of time and effort. Example: the fact that they actually changed the FX of Colossus transforming from the perfect effect seen in X2 to one that was so clearly cheaper and easier for them to do. Multipleman being included as a plot device for ONE SCENE at the camp, and juggernaught being cast as a braindead football hooligan

    Not to mention the script that, at times, sounded like it was written last minute by a retired hack with a hangover.

  12. The 1st 2 X-Men films were amazing but X3 SUCKED ASSSSS!!! U wanna knw y?:
    1. Wolverine Hugh Jackman’s character got WAAAYY TOOO MUCH screen time in this movie they minus well have called it Wolverine& the X-men, I mean no disrespect 2 Wolverine we all love him but this about the X-MEN keyword TEAM not one single individual i luv Jackman but they should have gave other characters more screen time.
    2. Jean Grey as Pheonix FUCKIN SUCKED!!! MAN WAT A RIP OFF!! i understand that they can’t bring everything from the comic book 2 life but DAMN they could have @ least gave her the firey special effects & the Pheonix bird, instead of making her look like FUCKING CARRIE!!! PLUS SHE JOINED FORCES W/ MAGNETO….THE SAME MAN WHO KILLED HER IN THE COMICS DUHH!!!!
    3. They killed off Cyclops & the Prof. I understand the Prof. b/c there r ways 2 bring him back, but killing off Scott, the one guy who should have recieved the most screentime in this film, since he was an important character during Dark Pheonix Saga. instead they kill off the leader of the X-men, the 1st X-Man, if anything he should have been leading the X-Men against Dark Pheonix, instead they kill him off like he was nobody & nuthin’.
    4. The actresses who played Rogue & Kitty SUCKKED BADLY!! Rogue is supposed 2 be head strong, and tom boyish yet still a sexy woman, instead they get this ugly scary girly bitch who 2 me & many others is fuckin ugly to play one of the most popular X-girls. the gurl that played Kitty SUCKED as well she looked like a sick little girl in this movie, and instead of her getting w/ Colossus like in the COMICS she sides w/ wimpy Bobby Drake who as well was POORLY portrayed in the X-films. He was always moody and insecure, THAT’S NOT BOBBY DRAKE!! Bobby should have been older he was a founding member of the X-men DUHH!!! & the most upsetting thing about it was that it took him 3 movies 2 actually ice up 4 about 2 seconds just 2 headbutt somebody, no iceslide no nothing FUCKIN RIDICULOUS!!!

  13. All the X-men movies sucked, they didn’t follow any kind of story from any comic. They messed up Rogue big time, they made Wolverine into a wuss, they killed cyclops, and they messed up Sabertooth and Lady Deathstrike. Horrible franchise, I really hope someone else makes new X-Men movies that have something to do with the characters, rather than a bastardized version of them.

  14. Although I’m just a primary 5 kid, but i liked wolverine. I never heard of wolverine x3 before, is it really that bad, i doubt so. If i had a chance, i could fly to other countries and watch it, maybe it was sponsored that only. I looked at almost all of the 15 comments, and almost all is about bad things lol.

  15. Oh STFU already with your incessant bullshit Rich! It’s Always the same idiotic ramblings with you! Seriously Get A Life! Logan/Rogue was NEVER going to happen! You’re obviously nothing but a deluded, pathetic, basement dwelling, morbidly obese, short, 29/30 year old whose NEVER had a girlfriend (your blow up doll and Left and Right hand don’t count btw) so you’ve been focusing your attention all your miserable life on the most overrated and overexposed character in the Marvel universe: Wolverine *eye roll*. Frankly ALL the X-Men movies were a dissapointment, just like you no doubt are to your parents!

  16. So I came across this link by typing X-Men movies suck into the google search link while bored. . . I’m 3 years late to the party, but thought I’d share my input as well. I consider myself a huge X-Men fan since birth due in part to my parents who loved the comics, and as such, I absolutely hated all the live action movies! 20th Century Fox ruins all the Marvel properties they get their greedy hands on! I also think my deep hatred for all the movies stems from the fact that they focused all their attention on Wolverine, a character I’ve always hated and who really is over rated and over exposed as Vanessa says 2 posts above me. . . then to add insult to injury, the brainiacs in charge decide to make another craptacular movie called X-Men Origins: Wolverine! A movie I only saw because I got in free and still wanted my money back! I hope for the day that this franchise reboots and for Marvel to see that not everybody likes Gary Stu . . . oops, I meant Wolverine :S Vanessa I also agree on your assesment of this Rich guy, I’ve seen his idiotic posts on youtube ( he has various accounts/screennames but it’s always the same idiotic bull), as well as comic vine amongst other sites. That guy needs to get a life or girlfriend, although I doubt any female’s willingly going to put up with him and his bull unless she’s drunk/high/blind/deaf.

  17. The X-Men movies had barely anything to do with the comics, everyone wore the same stupid black outfit, the characters powers were massively scaled down and the plots didn’t make any sense.
    They put Colossus and Juggernaut in the same movie without having them fight.
    Hollywood does not know how to make superhero movies. Instead they churn out some shitty action movie and slap a comic book title onto it. If they want to make a shitty movie about superheroes they need to stop doing it with actual properties. Or just do it with some dumb crap like Youngblood.

  18. vanessa is a ball busting lesbian with nothing better to do than bash on someone else for no good reason other than disagreeing with someones opinion. but honestly he has a point, u don’t build up wolverine/rogues relationship and then just drop it like it was nothing. x-3 was shit and we all know it.

  19. Hi Curlee, great points you make about the inconsistencies and lack of effort the producers put into X-Men the last stand versus the comic book and original cartoon series. Looking back on the film, it was rarely if ever a true comic book X-Men movie as it falls short of the many fundamental elements which make X-Men…well…X-Men! Given the film represents the X-Men story-line it should incorporate many points such as the epic battles and tales of the franchise. However it did not. Specifically it fell short of character consistency and development. For example in the cartoons, the characters are larger than life yet complex as you see them battle for mutant rights and world peace, while kicking the assess of incredibly ominous and dark villians such as Magneto, Apocalypse, or Mr. Sinister, MasterMold etc…So what did we see? Well we saw two main characters (Cyclops and Prof. X) killed off in the first quarter and random skirmishes between mutants which are not part of the main line up. Why did the producers do this? Well I agree again with your points about the lack of effort. It was a way to make money and alot of it. Well I for one am still a proud X-Men fan as I know many of you are I just am not a fan of what these filmmakers did with an incredible story-line which lacked depth, story-telling and awe.

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