Freak Comics

When I was a kid I watched lots of cartoons, Tom and Jerry being one of them. As most people know, Tom is a cat, Jerry a mouse, and they hate each other just like cats and mice in real life do. And just like real life, they would light each other on fire, smash each other’s faces flat with irons, or chop each other to bits.
However there were a few episodes where Tom and Jerry would team up. For that one particular episode they would be friends practice their violent acts on some other hapless victim.

Detective Comics #828 reminds me of one of those Tom and Jerry “friend” episodes. The Riddler decided (several issues back) to take the straight and narrow path of fighting crime detective-style. He now goes by his real name, E Nigma, and runs a private detective business. In this particular issue an old friend of Bruce Wayne, Matthew Atkins, ends up dead and both Batman and E Nigma are on the case.

The clues leads the pair to a museum where they actually team up to do battle against Matthew’s killer.

I always liked the Tom and Jerry episodes when they teamed up. It just made sense… they were both quite skilled at murder so why not murder in a pair?
Just like T & J, Batman and Riddler are very skilled at deduction and solving riddles, so it just makes sense for them to team up… for a while.

This whole meek period for the Riddler will inevitably come crashing down and Batman will have to put him back in Arkham at the end of a three-part story arc.

David Lapham is a very entertaining writer and I continue to enjoy his time on Tales of the Unexpected.

In this issue, Crispus Allen (Spectre’s human “host”) gets a little more jaded and loses yet another piece of his quickly fading humanity.

Mickey Keeble is a boy you don’t take home to mother… because he’ll kill her and wear her dress!

The series opens with a gun wielding maniac named Mickey Keeble, robbing Gotham Central Bank while wearing a dress and sporting random notes written on his face… a bold fashion statement indeed! Mickey basically looks like he was recently a victim of college hazing, where he snapped and decided to kill all who stood in his path. In reality he was experimenting with a new drug that was supposed to cure his Parkinson’s Disease.

Imagine the disclaimer announcement in the television commercial for this new drug:
“Side Effects may include bloating, upset stomach, diarrhea, poor fashion choices or multiple homicides.”

The Spectre makes an appearance just before Mickey offs his sister. He grabs hold of Mickey and just before popping his head like a large zit, apologizes and claims that he’s become “over zealous” and sets Mickey back down.

Mickey then continues the deed of offing his sister by throwing her out of the new hole in the building, which was conveniently placed there by the Spectre who punched his way in.

Way to go Spectre… you basically just assisted a homicide. Shouldn’t you kill yourself now?

Crispus is upset with the Spectre for backing down but soon discovers why he did so. Dr. Moore (an uber nerd working for Caswell Pharmaceuticals) was actually indirectly responsible for the murders being that he’s a money hungry pig who rushed his pathetic work out the door just to make a few bucks.

Moore is injected with Spectre Brandâ„¢ drugs which makes his face organs bubble out of his skin… ouch!

This is your face… this is your face on Spectre Drugâ„¢, any questions?

Sure Tales of the Unexpected is all about comeuppance, but it’s fun. I was genuinely surprised that the Specre didn’t kill Keeble, and I’m really looking forward to the “Shocking Conclusion” when we find out just what happened in the case of the Murdered Slum Lord.

Matt Wagner is amazing. He’s an awesome writer and illustrator. I love the way he depicts Batman. In fact, I love Matt Wagner. Not in an admiring, fan-boy way, but in a creepy, wear-your-skin-like-a-mask, stalker way. I want him to be my second wife.

Ok that’s taking a bit too far I guess… maybe (depending on his answer… the invite is still out there, Matt).

Seriously though, this guy is awesome. He’s right up there with Bob Kane (original creator of Batman for those of you who are retarded).

(Warning: spoilers follow)

In Batman and the Mad Monk #6 Batman has his final showdown with the Mad Monk (real name, Richard Rallstone) on top of a roof. The way Rallstone is defeated is great: incinerated by a lightening bolt that strikes a spear he’s holding. This was much more shocking and satisfying than a long drawn out cliche battle where Batman is nearly defeated but eventually wins out McGuyver style. The end of Madison is nicely done as well.

The greatest part of this comic though was the allusion Batman makes to his first case involving the Joker, as well as an Easter-Egg of sorts on the last page which features a huge billboard for the Flying Graysons.

I absolutely loved Batman and the Monster Men, but Batman and the Mad Monk blew it to tiny little bite-sized chunks.
The covers were awesome, the internal art was much improved, the story was great and the dialogue was awesome. In fact, the only complaint I have is that I don’t know when the next Matt Wagner Batman series is coming out.

More Matt Wagner, DC… less Batman #663!

Rachelle Goguen (Living Between Wednesdays) recently wrote an article entitled My MARVEL-ous Journey

Which briefly documents what I’m calling her Journey into Darkness:

I am trying to discover why I hold undying love for the DC universe, yet am pretty much apathetic toward the Marvel cast of characters.

She sites three reasons for being enamored with DC over Marvel are:

1. Marvel’s universe is based around real cities while DC’s are fake. This allows DC’s writers more room for creativity.
2. Marvel is too quippy and cute.
3. Spider-Man is annoying.

I agree with points one and two, but I’m a long time Spidey fan and don’t think I’ll ever get sick of him. However Rachelle does apply this assessment to the current Spider-Man who I don’t have a lot of experience with outside of Civil War.

Rachelle is currently blowing lots of money in Orlando Florida at the Marvel Island at Universal Studios, of which she says she will:

…interact with Marvel characters in their natural habitat and, apparantly, “ride them.”

Rachelle, like all Canadians, is hilarious and definitely worth your time. Now if only she would move her site away from the incestuous Blogger.

I don’t see the point in an annual. I think it’s just an excuse to charge an extra dollar and an attempt to get more people interested in the featured character, in this case Superman.

Action Comics Annual #10 boasts that it is a 48 page giant annual. It would be better labeled as having 48 pages of fluff. It’s completely pointless stories are strung together in no particular fashion.

There are 5 stories featured in Action Comics Annual #10 and they are as follows:

The Many Deaths of Superman

This was shaping up to be an interesting story. Lex Luthor trekking through the jungle in search of Kryptonite, thinking about the uselessness of Superman and how much he wants to kill him. Then it ended with no point. The “many” deaths of superman turned out to be death by magic, brutal force and kryptonite. That’s three. In my book that hardly qualifies as “many”.

Who is Clark Kent’s Big Brother?

Yet another Mon-El / Lar Gand retelling… you’ve got to be kidding me!

Mystery Under the Blue Sun

How can a two page, eleven panel filler be considered a mystery? The only mystery here is why this “story” got printed. I’ve seen longer comics in newspapers.

The Criminals of Krypton

The origin of General Zod and his cronies… again!

The Deadliest Forms of Kryptonite

Ever wonder what effects the various colors of Kryptonite have on Superman? Yea, me neither, because we already know, DC!

But wait, that’s not all! There happens to be two Special Features in this comic as well:

Secrets of the Fortress of Solitude

A two page spread of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude with little narration boxes highlighting various items in his creepy arctic nest.

Superman’s Top 10 Most Wanted

Ten face shots of ten different villains with their respective bios. I didn’t even finish reading this.

This comic does feature some heavy hitters:
Art Adams, Joe Kubert, Geoff Johns and more. The art is wonderful and the story telling is actually pretty good. Unfortunately their collective talent is wasted on these mini stories. I would have liked either a longer comic, or perhaps 2 stories each extended rather than sliced off prematurely to shove in extra pages of nothing.

I like Les McClaine’s art quite a bit. He draws Jonny Crossbones which is an amazing web comic.

He also drew A Barbarian Chick Riding a Hitler which is just funny.

Be sure to check out his art and blog, it’s worth it.

Way back in August of 2006 I posted part one of mine and Bill’s Wizard World Chicago photos.
Then I failed miserably by promising a part two and never fulfilling that promise. Well, here’s part two… 6 months later. Enjoy!

Thor, Batman with glasses and Captain America are my personal favorites.

Update: I’m an idiot. Throughout this post I referred to Batman #663 as Batman #633. The errors have been corrected.

I recently gave Batman #663 a piece of my mind.

Some people share my viewpoint, while other do not.

This prompted me to create a poll to get your brief sentiments. If you have more to say than a one word answer, feel free to say it in the comments.

So what do you think? Did Batman #663 suck? Did you even read it?

DC is trying their darndest to make me hate them again.
For those of you who didn’t have the extreme displeasure of reading Batman #663, don’t bother. It is not a comic book, it is a novella, and a badly written one at that. Yep, that’s right I said it: Grant Morrison wrote a terrible short story and it got shoved in to the pages of Batman #663 with some horrible art by John Van Fleet (it looks like badly done CG).

Please take note of this DC: I buy books to read books. I buy comic books to read comic books. I don’t buy comic book based novels, and I certainly don’t want to buy novellas disguised as comic books.

This story features the return of the Joker, who was shot in the face and seemingly blown to bits in the midst of last year’s Infinite Crisis (Note: Jason corrected me here. The Joker was shot after the events of Infinite Crisis and wasn’t seemingly blown to bits. I was remembering things wrong!). #663 was supposed to be a very big deal… the return of the Clown Prince. Instead it’s a wordy, boring, cliche NOVELLA for god’s sake! I don’t read books with super hero themes because I always figured they would suck. This issue confirmed my suspicions.

The whole thing opens with a clown funeral. Several clowns are carrying a casket in the cemetery. One of them loses his grip on the casket and the rest of them are crushed and killed. It turns out that the Joker arranged this and other deaths of his former associates from his cell in Arkham Asylum. Batman discovers this and pays the Joker a visit.
Later the Joker escapes.

Batman’s first encounter with the Joker since his “death” is pretty lame. The Joker can’t talk because his face is all wrapped in gauze, so instead, he blinks in Morse code to Batman. I would imagine that he would say something pretty ominous to Bats… but no. His message? “H.A.H.A.D.E.A.T.H.A.H.A.H.A.D.E.A.T.H.H.A.H.A.H.A.”
So the Joker actually blinks onomatopoeias? That’s just ridiculous.

Morrison: were you simply trying to see how many similes you could pack in to this story? Among my “favorites” were:

“… bony graveyard elms, the kind that stand as if ashamed, like strippers past their best…”

and

“Like a grub growing all wrong in a tiled cocoon, like a caterpillar liquefying to filth in it’s own nightmares, or a fetus dissolving in sewage and sour milk, the joker dreams, awake.”

Holy crap, that’s a mouthful! Why not just pick one? I guess Grant is trying to drive home the point that the Joker is a complete psychotic. Using three different similes in a row wouldn’t be so bad, if the rest of the “comic” used them more sparingly.
After I noticed the simile overkill I wanted to actually count them up, but that would require going back and reading this story again and that just isn’t going to happen.

In his first reappearance, what would you expect the Joker’s first spoken words to be? Something grand? Something vile?
After he very slowly peals off the gauze which covers his mouth (nice overused cliche Morrison), he dances about and says:

“I’m a cockroach! La Cucaracha! La Cucaracha! The pain is terrible! I want morphine! I’m having a baby!”

Morrison describes the strange dance that the Joker here performs as “… jazzing like a showgirl delivering a donkey onstage”. Uh… what does that even mean??

Things get really disjointed at the end of this comic. The Joker wants to kill Harley Quinn, to which she protests. Then he claims he’s just going to carve her face up a bit, to which she complies. So the story goes like this:

Harley closes her eyes and bites her trembling lip as it turns to jelly. “Do it,” she whispers “If that’s what you want…”
The Joker hits a hospital gurney in a tangle of bones, then collects himself together the way a mantis might and springs at Batman…

So from this incredibly confusing way of telling the story, all I could figure is that Batman tackles the Joker. Did he get a chance to cut up Harley? I guess not… or maybe he did and that’s why her lip was turned to jelly? It’s hard to say because we couldn’t see it and the writing was too crappy to describe it with words!

Later Batman punches the Joker in the face and Harley Quinn shoots him… I think:

He runs at Batman, shrieking like an animal in a trap, and Batman silences the awful sound with a single punch that turns cartilage to shrapnel.
The Joker just smiles. He’s way too busy blowing blood bubbles from his nose, so he doesn’t even hear the gunshot’s punctuation. Or the girl, claiming the last word like she always does.

So did she shoot the Joker, or just fire the gun in to the air? The last page of the comic offers very little in the way of explanations as it’s just a big page of junky art. Observe a piece of it:

This crappy novela might have made for an interesting comic book, but we’ll never know. Instead it will rot in our comic book boxes only to be discovered a few years later, like a hooker giving birth to a dead rat onstage.

I love old comic books ads. They are extremely deceptive and awesome.
Take the 132 Piece Roman Soldier Set for instance.

The image depicts a violent and intense battle taking place on a beach in rome. Skirts flap in the wind, daggers shine in the sun, and soldiers scream as the last minutes of their futile lives flash before their own bloodthirsty eyes.
Only $2.25 (around $8.60 in today’s money) and you can wage your own bloody battles, just like the one pictured here!

Weeks go by and finally the package arrives. Your sweaty overweight palms make quick work of the wrappings. You quickly tear open the box, empty the contents and find…

That’s right, cheap plastic, two dimensional junk. You would have been better off saving your money and pretending that the dirt and twigs from the front yard was a Roman army.